
Churches are filled with meaningful and vital relationships. Yet sometimes anxiety or tension develops between two people or groups in the church. When this happens, a third person or group or issue is often brought into the relationship. Family systems theory refers to this as an emotional triangle. Whenever any two persons in a family system have problems with each other, the presence of a third person, group or issue is often sought to spread out the tension and anxiety. For example, two children seeking resolve for the tension over the fight for a toy will often “triangle in” a third sibling or a parent. In families it is common to see triangles between two children and a parent, a child and its two parents, or three siblings. Other triangles include a child, a parent and a grandparent; or a husband, wife, and an in-law. Triangles also include issues and groups like a child, a parent and the school; or a husband, wife and a drinking problem. There are many triangles in a nuclear family. All these triangles interlock between one another to form a system of relating. A similar process occurs within the church.
Churches have many interlocking emotional triangles. The minister is right in the middle of many of them. A significant triangle in the church is the board, the minister, and the congregation. Another key triangle is the minister’s family, the congregational family and all the member’s families. An additional triangle is the minister, the congregation, and a theological issue. In even a small congregation, these triangles are intricately interlocked with one and are made up of hundreds and thousands of complex interlocking triangles of there own. A shift occurring within any of the various triangles has the potential of bringing disruption, and unease that is felt throughout the entire system.
As one of the parties within many relational triangles, church leaders (like pastors and elders) have the unique, yet challenging potential to help effect positive change in the other two parts of the triangle, and in this way elevate the health of the entire relational system. This cannot be done, however, by trying to identify each of the problems within the various triangles, and fixing them. Families that use this approach meet with repeated failure. Just as the family that constantly focuses on problem after problem becomes a problem-family, so the church that focuses on problems – problem-groups, problem-issues, problem-people – becomes a problem-church; anxious, critical, judgmental, and paranoid. Instead of seeking to fix each problem within all the various emotional triangles, the wise pastor will seek to be aware of the dynamic of triangles driving many of the challenges. An awareness of the relationships and certain relational patterns can be the first step in helping the church leaders have a “more clear head” writes Edwin Friedman, and also remain “more adroit” in their relational triangles. (Friedman, Generation to Generation, p 208)
A leader in a church, or any other institution, can have a marvelous impact on the general health of the organization by staying engaged and remaining non-anxious. Among all the triangles, the leader will do well to take a N.A.P. – Keep a Non-Anxious Presence. This will help them maintain a good sense of self, keep the stress level fairly low, and continue to contribute responsibly and thoughtful in their various settings. Taking a N.A.P. is not "checking-out" emotionally, but rather staying engaged with responsible non-anxious leadership.